I’m going to join this thread of discussion. The discussion starts at Feministe with Do Jerks get laid more?, which is a discussion on some peer-reviewed pychology research on college-age men and “dark traits” affecting their number of sexual partners. It continues in Smart Girls who do it: Why “nice” guys don’t get laid as often as they think they should
The interesting thing about both articles is that the women writing them make a strong distinction between “guy I want to have a relationship with,” vs “guy I want to bone once or twice and be done with.” I also note the listings on personals sites like OkCupid and SpringStreet Networks (Onion, Nerve, et al) where you can say that you’re looking for “Short term dating,” “Long term dating,” as well as casual encounters, pen-pals, friends, etcetera.
There are a lot of phrases out there for “What I’m looking for.” and there are, as the original research points out, and the commenters and followers on point out, many different qualities associated with a potential fit for any of the phrases. I’d also argue that success in dating at any level is having a clear idea of what qualities you’re looking for or at least what you’re open to. My question for the world this week, is what do these phrases mean?
I definitely think that the target person for short-term dating is not the same target-person for long-term dating. It could be the same person, sure, but the qualities that are important are different. In a short-term relationship, I look for a difference from the usual kind of person I date, a promise of something new and fun in the bed or on the scene, or just a different kind of conversation from someone in an entirely different walk of life heading in a different direction than me. I tend to think qualities like, “Fun to have a drink with,” or “Fun to smooch,” or “Makes me laugh my ass off in public,” could also mean “Fun to hang around again,” or “Fun to get into bed with,” even if I wouldn’t ever travel 1,000 miles to see that person. That’s a short-term date in a nutshell, as much as anyone can be put in a nutshell. Someone you go out with with the mutual understanding that you’re not going to try to grow into each other or carve large chunks of life/time out for each other.
I still remember my favorite short-term date. We went out a total of four times while she was here for the summer. A short, wispy woman in grad-school in a completely different field. We watched The Wind Shakes the Barley on our second date. On our first we just met at an Irish Pub and talked till a really drunk guy who smelled of menthols sat down with us. It was about 1. The third and fourth dates I won’t write about, but she was a lot of fun, and she thought I was too, and then she went back where she came from. We’ve said hi once or twice to each other since then, but not more than that.
And I really don’t think men and women are a lot different about this; at least no more than any two people on the street are different. Sometimes we know what we’re looking for and we know how to show what we’re looking for and everything works out. Sometimes, as in the “nice guy syndrome” we know what we’re looking for, but we don’t like to admit it to ourselves or anyone else. Sometimes we have too good an idea of what we’re looking for and we rule out everyone who doesn’t look at first glance like a fit. And then sometimes we don’t know what we’re looking for and something comes along and it’s either a miracle or a disaster.
In the end, I don’t think “Girls like jerks,” is a fair statement to either gender. I think the study says something very different than the media portrays. I agree with Jill’s statements, mostly, about it. I also think that while Smart Girls Who Do It’s point was more or less on the ball, I don’t think it really answered any guys’ questions all that well.
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P.S. I say “open to” a couple of paragraphs back because I tend to think that long-term dating and marriage shouldn’t be “sought,” because the act of seeking can seriously get in the way of finding, The person that says “I’m looking for a husband/wife” is most often the person who will be least satisfied by one.
P.P.S. Also, check out these wonderful AIDS prevention posters
I agree that my post didn’t answer any questions – it was really more of a semi-drunken rant
The topic certainly merits more discussion – not least on who, exactly, constitutes a jerk? I’ll try to do it sober, next time.
Very interesting. But sex is just about the most interesting topic around so you’ve got a lay-up here (no pun intended). I think that jerks do get laid more because it’s easy to mistake jerky behavior for confidence, and confidence is a major factor in attraction. Also, jerks are more likey to use people and if you’re just out to score you’ll need to have some ability to do that.
The whole hook up thing is a little hard for me to understand. I’ve done it a few times myself, but I still don’t feel like I get it. It’s just a little wierd when someone wants to do you after knowing you for a very short time. Not that I don’t have those feelings myself, but I find myself wanting to chat for a while or something before getting into it. However I do think we make up our minds about who we want very quickly. That’s why I’ve come to believe that “speed dating” isn’t a bad idea.
As far as seeking a husband/wife, I always thought that people were a little off when they said they were out to do this. I remember a news segment in which the announcer asked, “What are your odds of snagging a mate?”
“Snagging a mate” ?! That seems a little predatory to me.
But the thing is, most of us do want to find the right person. And when you think about it, if you do find the right person you’d probably want to have a committed, long term relationship with them, which is what marriage is supposed to be. So I suppose an unattached person saying “I want to get married” is about the same as someone saying “I want to find the right person.”
Agree? Disagree?